Your support can reduce isolation and help someone think more clearly about their options. The goal is not to control the situation for them, but to make it safer for them to decide what comes next.
Behavioral warning signs you may notice
Often, friends and family are the first to notice the signs of coercive control before physical violence ever occurs. Look for these behavioral shifts:
- Isolation: They frequently cancel plans at the last minute or distance themselves from family.
- Constant Monitoring: Their partner texts or calls them constantly, demanding “proof” of their location.
- Personality Changes: Someone who was once outgoing becomes unusually quiet, anxious, depressed, or hyper-apologetic.
- Financial Restrictions: They suddenly have no access to their own money or have to ask permission to make basic purchases.
- Visible Fear: They seem anxious about their partner’s reactions or change their behavior drastically when their partner enters the room.
Helpful phrases that support agency
When a survivor is controlled by an abuser, their sense of autonomy is stripped away. Your primary goal is to empower them and restore their agency.
- Validate their experience: Say, “I believe you.” This is the most powerful tool you have.
- Remove the blame: Remind them, “This is not your fault. No one deserves to be treated this way.”
- Express concern: Say, “I am worried about your safety,” keeping the focus on their wellbeing, not your anger at the abuser.
- Offer unconditional support: Let them know, “Whatever you decide to do, I am here to support you.”
Common Responses to avoid
Well-meaning friends often accidentally isolate victims further by using judgmental language.
- Do not ask “Why don’t you just leave?” Leaving is statistically the most dangerous time for a victim. They may be staying to stay alive or protect their children.
- Do not ask what they did to “set off” the abuser. This implies the victim is responsible for the abuser’s choices.
- Do not dictate their actions. Avoid saying, “If I were you, I would…” This strips them of their agency.
- Do not bash the abuser. The survivor likely still has complex feelings toward their partner. Attacking the abuser may force the survivor to defend them and shut down.
Safety Considerations
Assume the abuser is monitoring the survivor’s communications. Taking the wrong step can escalate the violence.
- Be careful with digital communication: Do not send links to domestic violence shelters or messages like “I know you are being abused” directly to their phone.
- Establish a code word: Agree on a simple phrase they can text you if they are in immediate danger (e.g., “Can you bring back the casserole dish?”).
- Keep their secrets: Do not confront the abuser. This almost always results in severe retaliation against the victim.
- Offer practical help: Offer to safely hold copies of their important documents or an emergency bag at your house.